Tag Archives: twitter

Mini Stories from February 2012

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For more of these, check out @angelasstories or my Facebook page.

Laugh: Don’t laugh at me! / Your comment was funny / I wasn’t joking. My wife really left me for the mailman / I know, & we prefer postal carrier.

Mission: Target: Unknown? /Yes. The mission is Life /It’s supposed 2 be a hit /This is better /Ur the target, aren’t u / ..Give me a 10min head start

Sun: Ann loathed Valentine’s Day w/ an abiding hatred more intense than the fire of 1000 suns. Then she got a BF & it became her favorite holiday

Neighbor: Ali finally felt at home in her new neighborhood. Everyone was so warm & inviting. Plus the proliferation of juicy gossip never disappointed Continue reading →

Mini Stories from January 2012

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Check out @angelasstories or my Facebook page to read more of these miniature novels.

Original: If it’s original, it’s art / It’s a dead fish nailed to a wall / I sold it for $300K / It’s decomposing / … Tell the schmuck who bought it

Lord: Thou shalt not take the lord’s name in vain, unless thou art watching a sporting event, injured, or copulating. Then the lord understandeth.

Out: Wanna go out? / Oh, I have a boyfriend. & I’m coming down with a cold. & I’m not allowed to date. & you’re creepy… Maybe another time

Roll: Roll is a fun word. You can eat a roll, or roll down a hill, or roll play… / That last one is wrong / It is not! You’re just a prude. Continue reading →

Mini Stories from December 2011

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For more of these, check out @angelasstories or my Facebook page.

Wind: There’s 2ft of snow on the ground, and I still have to go to school / Ah, man. My school closed because it’s windy / …F*ck you.

Addiction: She had 3 therapists, one for each addiction: smoking, food & mean men. Amazingly, none of the 3 ever brought up her addiction to therapy.

Data: The Co was monitoring their 300M users, but the data didn’t correlate. It was as if each user had their own mind. That premise was rejected

Pill: Take this pill and you’ll be thinner and less inhibited in no time! / What is it? / It’s a psychotic / You mean an anti-psychotic… / No. Continue reading →

Mini Stories from November 2011

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For more of these, check out @angelasstories or my Facebook page.

Power: She stomped on the gas, felt the power surge beneath her feet. Unfortunately the car was a Kia. She’d had cups of coffee w/ more get-up-&-go

Library: 20yrs he worked in the library, shuffling around, shushing noisy kids. The day his father died, he stood on a table & screamed. He was fired

Dragon: The knights finally understood why the dragon waited eternally in her keep, killing anyone who approached… Her date was 300 years late.

Hate: What seems to be troubling you? Be specific / I hate everyone / More specific, please / Alright, I hate you / … Me, too. Continue reading →

Mini Stories from October 2011

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For more of these, check out @piratestories or my Facebook page.

Communication: A great divide separated them. They couldn’t communicate, couldn’t reach each other. No, that sinkhole wasn’t helping matters one bit.

Fee: Your fees are highway robbery! / But we’re a bank.. / Then it’s bank robbery! / Are you threatening to rob the bank, sir? / No, I… (tazor)

Instrument: You’ve been instrumental to my success. Like my violin. Actually, I haven’t been that successful, so you’re more like my oboe. Or a cowbell.

Heart: Her heart beat rapidly. This is it. He’s proposing. Her heart felt like it would burst from her chest… It was a heart attack. She died.

Joy: It was moments like this — moments of pure joy — that he had trouble remembering his own name. Unfortunately, he forgot her name, too.

Cliff: If your friends jumped off a cliff would you follow? / Did they survive the fall? / Um, I guess so– / Did it look like fun? / …Never mind

Panda: You can have anything you want. / Anything? / Yes. / ANYthing?? / *sigh* … Anything but a panda. / Then I want– / Or a shark. / … Damn. Continue reading →

Mini Stories from August 2011

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Control: He’d lost control of everything else, so it was a relief when the sickness spread to his brain & he lost the ability to care about the rest.

Lasting: Mark had found the key to a lasting relationship: fight a little then let her have her way. The key to a Happy relationship still eluded him

Learning: Her son refused her help, tied his shoes together & promptly fell on his face. He looked to her for comfort. She told him, “Learning hurts.”

Missing: You need to stop missing me / Don’t / No, I’m serious. It’s getting sad / Well, if you would just hold still and take a bullet like a man!

Burst: Some bubbles cluster. Some connect and merge into one. Some collide and both burst on contact. That’s just the way things go.

Robot: He told her that he loved her and let himself believe that her eyes twinkled when the robot returned his sentiment on command.

Play: Ed loved to play god. But so did God. Ed conceded that God was better at it after the elevator shaft

Play: The director wanted to end his play with a bang, but the shotgun was probably overkill. RIP seat 29C

Play: He heard her play & fell madly in love. No one had ever played the theme from Jaws so beautifully.

Play: He made a play for her heart only to discover that her spade was out for diamonds. So he clubbed her

Compute: Computer, give me a coffee / dOes nOt cOmpUte / I want a damn coffee! / doEs NoT cOmPutE / Ah, f*ck me / …shIp seLf dEstruCt in 20 seConDs

Simple: The doctors assured him it was a simple procedure, but something in Sam’s gut told him a full brain transplant might be a bit tricky…

Reject: I reject your premise / You reject the premise that love is a good thing? / Yes / Seriously? / Have you ever been in love? / …Point taken.

Smash: His performance was such a smash that he went out and got smashed, then smashed his car into a pole.   Truly smashing.

Joy: Joy always had an air of unwavering happiness about her. She was an inspiration to be around, or she would be… if she weren’t such a bitch

Mini Stories from June 2011

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Stole: You stole my idea / 2 people fall in love but one has a secret & the other finds out but it works out in the end? / That’s the one / ..Sorry

Reward: Pam’s plan for the week: Lose 20lbs by Friday. She’d get started tomorrow, right after a final BigMac. Such good planning deserved a reward.

Cave: Have you been living in a cave? / Why would you ask me that? / You’re covered in dirt and moss / Oh, right. Now that you mention it…

Rejection: He stormed out. Then he realized they’d said yes. He shuffled back in & explained that he’d come to expect rejection. They weren’t impressed

Example: He begged, “Don’t make an example of me!” though he knew he was a problem. But the editor stuck him in the example section of the mathbook anyway.

Charming: Jen wasn’t being picky. She just wanted a nice guy. Nice & funny. And charming. Smart, sexy, fun, & at least 4″ taller than her. That’s all.

Truth: Madame Fortuna always seemed to reveal greater truths in her inebriation than in her psychic intuition.

Fluid: “You’re so powerful, yet your movements are fluid. You’re smooth, but sharp. Such beauty,” Tom cooed as the scotch danced down his throat.

Worth: He was 50 before he realized his worth had nothing to do with his bottom line. 40 years later he died a happy man with $10 to his name.

Unique: Mary prided herself on being unique, on pushing the boundaries. But the stick-on mustache was probably taking it a bit too far…

Stale: His sandwich was stale, just like his life. Of course, he could have got a new sandwich, but he settled for what he had. His choice.

Draft: 1st Draft: Total shit. 2nd Draft: Better, but still shit. 3rd Draft: In the trash. 4th Draft: Genius. Publishers notes: Go back to 1st draft

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Mini Stories from the Second Half of April 2011

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Check: On their first date, he brought her a rose. She brought his background check. And thus he remembered why he hates dating.

Solution: The solution to her pain was so simple. Never fall in love again! Her hangover the next morning (and the man in her bed) muddied her resolve
 
Depression: Doug’s solitaire skills were beyond compare. He was basically a pro. It was the most depressing realization he’d ever had.
 
Wave: First she felt a wave of relief, then a wave of resentment, then anger. That’s when she decided to get out of the wave pool. Continue reading →

Mini Stories from the First Half of April 2011

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Therapy: To prevent himself from falling in love w/ her, he tried to imagine her as his mom. His ploy had the reverse affect. He’s in therapy now.
 
Destiny: He had an appointment with Destiny, but his HMO didn’t cover it, so he was referred to Coincidence. Turned out he had a case of Bad Luck.
 
Surprise: Finally invent something awesome: check. Cash in: check. Surprise the hell out of dad with my success: check. Attend dad’s funeral: check.
 
Sail: She kissed him, watched him set sail, and wondered how far he’d get before realizing he can’t sail and had forgotten to fill the gas tank… Continue reading →

Sex Stats (Safe for Work)

by Stuff that Made Me Laugh • Tags: , , , , , , , , , , ,

This article from TIME takes a look at some of the sex stats that OKCupid reported this month using the data that they gather from their users. Their charts and graphs are pretty amusing.

I was surprised by some of the stats, all of which should, of course, be taken with a grain of salt:

OkTrends, the site that compiles data from the dating site OkCupid and culls it into handy little graphs and charts for easy digestion, has finally focused on what we really want to know–how other people feel about sex. Continue reading →