Suicide rates actually go down at the holidays, then they spike right after the holidays are over. So don’t fuck that Christmas ham up – you won’t like the consequences.
Santa does exist. The man is everywhere. He just needs a @TheREALSanta Twitter account so we can have definitive proof of which one he is.
Christmas Eve is a very unsafe day to drive – too many twice-a-year Catholics transferring their guilt into road rage.
You should never buy clothes as a present for anyone unless you’re positive that they like your taste.
Your wife doesn’t like your taste. Continue reading
Graduations are not fun. Not even for the people graduating. It’s five seconds of excitement amidst three hours of waiting, usually on a very small, uncomfortable chair. Skip the graduation. Just have a party.
Physical chemistry is vital to a romantic relationship. You can’t wake up next to someone everyday and not like what you see. That’s just no good.
That said, physical attraction can grow substantially as you get to know someone better and better …At least from the woman’s side. Men are pretty shallow. It can’t be denied.
You’re not going to win the lotto. Find something other than scratchers to invest in. A few tickets from time to time is fun – banking on a win is stupid. Continue reading
Worry is a dirty whore. Not worth it.
Aqua Teen Hunger Force, Robot Chicken, and Children’s Hospital are all pretty genius.
It really is better to have loved and lost.
Pleasure and pain go hand in hand – you can’t have one without the other. The people who have suffered the most pain are usually the people who’ve felt the most joy.
Finishing a great book is one of the thoroughly gratifying experiences in life.
Museum trips should be mandatory for everyone.
People only care about endangered species if they’re cute. Continue reading
Some babies are really ugly.
Going to college after high school is not the only or even necessarily the best option.
The best couples are almost always physical matches – a 10 and a 5 just won’t work.
Very few people actually like kids in general. Most of us just like the ones we’re related to, and even then, not always.
No one can make you doubt yourself but you.
Being consistently late is like saying, “My time is more important than yours.” It’s rude, disrespectful, and selfish.
Taking a nice big poo is one of the best simple pleasures in life. Try to deny it. Just try. Continue reading