Tag Archives: @piratestories

Mini Stories from October 2011

by Mini Stories • Tags: , , , , , ,

For more of these, check out @piratestories or my Facebook page.

Communication: A great divide separated them. They couldn’t communicate, couldn’t reach each other. No, that sinkhole wasn’t helping matters one bit.

Fee: Your fees are highway robbery! / But we’re a bank.. / Then it’s bank robbery! / Are you threatening to rob the bank, sir? / No, I… (tazor)

Instrument: You’ve been instrumental to my success. Like my violin. Actually, I haven’t been that successful, so you’re more like my oboe. Or a cowbell.

Heart: Her heart beat rapidly. This is it. He’s proposing. Her heart felt like it would burst from her chest… It was a heart attack. She died.

Joy: It was moments like this — moments of pure joy — that he had trouble remembering his own name. Unfortunately, he forgot her name, too.

Cliff: If your friends jumped off a cliff would you follow? / Did they survive the fall? / Um, I guess so– / Did it look like fun? / …Never mind

Panda: You can have anything you want. / Anything? / Yes. / ANYthing?? / *sigh* … Anything but a panda. / Then I want– / Or a shark. / … Damn. Continue reading →

Mini Stories from September 2011

by Mini Stories • Tags: , , , , , ,

Lecture: She planned her anatomy lecture in her head as she examined. Her bullet had ruined the brain, but the other organs were simply beautiful

Assassin: The assassin’s run came to an abrupt end when he applied for a copyright on his signature killing style. …Rookie mistake.

Password: Her bday. Her fave color. Her 1st pet. She tried them all. What else could his password possibly be? She was clueless.

Curb: Sure, she had curb appeal. But the interior had no natural light, a moldy smell, and asbestos. He bought her on impulse. …Damn curb appeal

Contact: She sized him up. He mentally stripped her down. Turning him on got her off. …He would have been happier w/ some actual physical contact.

Punishment: No one knew or would ever know. She wasn’t even aware of the greatness she was capable of, b/c she never tried. The punishment fit the crime

Duel: At high noon, the epic duel began: Sebastian against his mortal enemy, the #In-n-Out drive thru. …Sebastian lost.

Headlights: Would the owner of the red Porsche report to the parking lot. Your headlights are on, you’re taking up 2 spots & you have a very small penis Continue reading →

Mini Stories from August 2011

by Mini Stories • Tags: , , ,

Control: He’d lost control of everything else, so it was a relief when the sickness spread to his brain & he lost the ability to care about the rest.

Lasting: Mark had found the key to a lasting relationship: fight a little then let her have her way. The key to a Happy relationship still eluded him

Learning: Her son refused her help, tied his shoes together & promptly fell on his face. He looked to her for comfort. She told him, “Learning hurts.”

Missing: You need to stop missing me / Don’t / No, I’m serious. It’s getting sad / Well, if you would just hold still and take a bullet like a man!

Burst: Some bubbles cluster. Some connect and merge into one. Some collide and both burst on contact. That’s just the way things go.

Robot: He told her that he loved her and let himself believe that her eyes twinkled when the robot returned his sentiment on command.

Play: Ed loved to play god. But so did God. Ed conceded that God was better at it after the elevator shaft

Play: The director wanted to end his play with a bang, but the shotgun was probably overkill. RIP seat 29C

Play: He heard her play & fell madly in love. No one had ever played the theme from Jaws so beautifully.

Play: He made a play for her heart only to discover that her spade was out for diamonds. So he clubbed her

Compute: Computer, give me a coffee / dOes nOt cOmpUte / I want a damn coffee! / doEs NoT cOmPutE / Ah, f*ck me / …shIp seLf dEstruCt in 20 seConDs

Simple: The doctors assured him it was a simple procedure, but something in Sam’s gut told him a full brain transplant might be a bit tricky…

Reject: I reject your premise / You reject the premise that love is a good thing? / Yes / Seriously? / Have you ever been in love? / …Point taken.

Smash: His performance was such a smash that he went out and got smashed, then smashed his car into a pole.   Truly smashing.

Joy: Joy always had an air of unwavering happiness about her. She was an inspiration to be around, or she would be… if she weren’t such a bitch

Mini Stories from July 2011

by Mini Stories • Tags: , , , ,

Apparently I was really into writing mini conversations in July… Get more Pirate Stories on Twitter or Facebook.

Immortal: He feared for his immortal soul. Kind of. But much more so he feared a bland, over-analyzed, unadventurous life.

Ruin: She’d heard the same threat from her banker, her ex-husband… but when her hair dresser whispered, “I will ruin you,” then she got nervous.

Positive: You’re sure? / Yes / Positive? / Yes / Aboslutely sure?? / Yes! / So you’re 100% sure? / Yes!! …Well, more like 90%

Trouble: OooOoo! You’re gonna get in trouble! / I’m 28 and single. Who am I gonna get in trouble with? / …Damn it.

Epic: After an epic battle of skill versus strength, the final result was a tie. Fair? Perhaps. A let down? Absof*ckinglutely.

Alive: Soaring through the sky, Wes had never felt so free, so alive. The irony of the sensation didn’t escape him as the asphalt drew nearer. Continue reading →

Mini Stories from June 2011

by Mini Stories • Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Stole: You stole my idea / 2 people fall in love but one has a secret & the other finds out but it works out in the end? / That’s the one / ..Sorry

Reward: Pam’s plan for the week: Lose 20lbs by Friday. She’d get started tomorrow, right after a final BigMac. Such good planning deserved a reward.

Cave: Have you been living in a cave? / Why would you ask me that? / You’re covered in dirt and moss / Oh, right. Now that you mention it…

Rejection: He stormed out. Then he realized they’d said yes. He shuffled back in & explained that he’d come to expect rejection. They weren’t impressed

Example: He begged, “Don’t make an example of me!” though he knew he was a problem. But the editor stuck him in the example section of the mathbook anyway.

Charming: Jen wasn’t being picky. She just wanted a nice guy. Nice & funny. And charming. Smart, sexy, fun, & at least 4″ taller than her. That’s all.

Truth: Madame Fortuna always seemed to reveal greater truths in her inebriation than in her psychic intuition.

Fluid: “You’re so powerful, yet your movements are fluid. You’re smooth, but sharp. Such beauty,” Tom cooed as the scotch danced down his throat.

Worth: He was 50 before he realized his worth had nothing to do with his bottom line. 40 years later he died a happy man with $10 to his name.

Unique: Mary prided herself on being unique, on pushing the boundaries. But the stick-on mustache was probably taking it a bit too far…

Stale: His sandwich was stale, just like his life. Of course, he could have got a new sandwich, but he settled for what he had. His choice.

Draft: 1st Draft: Total shit. 2nd Draft: Better, but still shit. 3rd Draft: In the trash. 4th Draft: Genius. Publishers notes: Go back to 1st draft

Get more Pirate Stories on Twitter or Facebook.

Mini Stories from May 2011

by Mini Stories • Tags: , , , , , , , ,

I’ve been seriously neglecting this blog. Makes me feel a little sick inside to think about how much free time I have and how poorly I utilize it.

I’m going to be better. At least I’m going to try. Starting now. Honest.

First move: filling you in on my favorite @piratestories from last month. In no particular order…

Podium: I’m really not in the mood for a lecture / What makes you think I’m going to lecture you?? / The podium was a bit of a tip off / …Touche.

Gleam: It was warm, soft, it even gleamed in the light. But none of that changed the fact that it was a steaming pile of shit.

Raincoat: He always had sunscreen, bug spray, even a rain slicker. And yet he never thought to carry the kind of raincoat that’d actually protect him.
 
Trinity: He went to Vegas in search of the trinity — chips, dice and booze. It wasn’t a very difficult quest. Though he did come back defeated.
 
Wrap: 3 coping methods: I wrap up in a warm blanket / I get a seaweed wrap at the spa / …I wrap up some poo & send it to whoever pissed me off Continue reading →

Mini Stories from the Second Half of April 2011

by Mini Stories • Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

Check: On their first date, he brought her a rose. She brought his background check. And thus he remembered why he hates dating.

Solution: The solution to her pain was so simple. Never fall in love again! Her hangover the next morning (and the man in her bed) muddied her resolve
 
Depression: Doug’s solitaire skills were beyond compare. He was basically a pro. It was the most depressing realization he’d ever had.
 
Wave: First she felt a wave of relief, then a wave of resentment, then anger. That’s when she decided to get out of the wave pool. Continue reading →

Mini Stories from the First Half of April 2011

by Mini Stories • Tags: , , , , , , , , , , ,
Therapy: To prevent himself from falling in love w/ her, he tried to imagine her as his mom. His ploy had the reverse affect. He’s in therapy now.
 
Destiny: He had an appointment with Destiny, but his HMO didn’t cover it, so he was referred to Coincidence. Turned out he had a case of Bad Luck.
 
Surprise: Finally invent something awesome: check. Cash in: check. Surprise the hell out of dad with my success: check. Attend dad’s funeral: check.
 
Sail: She kissed him, watched him set sail, and wondered how far he’d get before realizing he can’t sail and had forgotten to fill the gas tank… Continue reading →

Mini Stories from the First Half of March 2011

by Mini Stories • Tags: , , , , , ,

This group includes an abecedarian, a sentence in which each word begins with the letters of the alphabet in order.

Air: She was walking on air. Unfortunately, air isn’t very stable and she soon fell to her death. It was tragic but predictable.

Chair: As he sat he thought, “My god, this chair is tiny.” When it broke beneath his 400lbs, he concluded that the chair was a danger to society.

Drill: The latest addition to the family was a 7/32 drill. The other drills weren’t very accepting. The new guy seemed a bit screwy.

Bear: Does a bear poo in the woods? / I dunno. Depends on the bear / That’s not the point / No, the point is, I know where a bull shits / …Hey Continue reading →

Mini Stories from the Second Half of February 2011

by Mini Stories • Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Intolerant: He’s intolerant of the black, brown, and yellow. But most of all he hates white. Really now, what possible use is there for a white crayon?

Alternate: The model said no so he turned to the alternate: model’s friend. She turned out to be his dream girl. But she wasn’t interested in 2nd place

Step: The middle step was stuck inbetween–not upstairs, not down. But she didn’t mind. She was happy to help others get places. For the most part

Travel: “First, I want to travel through space!” The genie hurled the man’s unprotected body into the cosmos. The genie smiled: “That was easy.”

Surprise: His surprise proposal took an unforeseen turn when she swallowed the ring he’d hidden in her cake. Of course, after the surgery, she said no Continue reading →