I am currently sitting in the Santa Monica Courthouse Juror Waiting Room.
Sure, they have free wifi, but all of the best websites are blocked. No YouTube, no Facebook, no Twitter, no Stumbleupon. If it’s fun, it’s probably blocked.
But not to worry. If you ever find yourself in this situation, here’s a handy list of things you can do to entertain yourself.
- Make up a back story for the strangest looking jurors in your pool. Juror waiting rooms are by definition filled with extreme eclectic groups of people. Do some people watching and figure out who’s a teacher, who’s a bank robber, who still lives with their mom, and who’s most likely to claim insanity as a reason they can’t serve on a jury.
- Try to find a porn site that hasn’t been blocked by the courthouse firewalls. Consider it a challenge and put your years of non-SafeSearch Googling to work. Continue reading
As a single lady in my twenties, I sometimes wonder where I’m supposed to meet eligible men. The general consensus seems to be that people meet their mates in school or at work.
Well, I’m done with school and I’m self-employed. I’m not to the point of taking on a lifetime of student loan debt in order to increase my dating pool, and there aren’t too many viable male prospects wandering through my home.
So I’ve looked into a few other options…
1. Bars. Great place to sacrifice all personal space and dignity. A full 22% of successful relationships begin in bars. Or maybe that was 2%…
2. Clubs. Nothing like having a stranger come up behind you on the dance floor and make you wonder if you’re being held up. Top-notch choice if you’re into douches.
3. The Internet. I’m a fan of OkCupid. The guy who messaged me saying he was a married man in his fifties looking to hook up — he seemed like a real winner. Continue reading
I thought this list posted on Men’s Health was rather poignant. It primarily applies to heterosexual men, but I think it has points that everyone can learn from.
1. Never ask a woman if she wants to have sex by asking her if she wants to have sex.
2. It is more important to have good health insurance than good health.
3. Don’t bluff more than once in a poker game with friends.
4. When one of the big bosses at work unexpectedly says something really cheery and friendly to you, he means absolutely nothing by it. Not even if he’s your father.
5. Wear as much black as you can. It makes you look slimmer and cooler. But avoid black jeans.
6. When someone in your family is going through a divorce, always side with the blood relative.
7. Pointedly praising something unusual a person owns or has done will make you appear far smarter in his eyes than a 10-minute discourse on world events.
8. Yes, speak softly and carry a big stick. But don’t mumble. And don’t swing the stick.
9. The man who can’t dance, can’t converse, and can’t provide psychological support to a woman is only half a man; the other half can’t cook, can’t clean, and badly wants a drink.
10. Do not get a visible tattoo larger than your penis. Continue reading
My uterus. I’m sorry I haven’t filled you with a baby yet, but that’s no excuse to cripple me once a month. Calm down, bitch.
People who write checks at the grocery store. Are you serious right now? This is the express lane. Please go expressly to hell.
People who say “alls.” It’s not a word. Ever. “Alls I’m saying is…” No. You’re not saying anything. You’ve lost the right to speech. Continue reading
…People who have made a career out of their creativity and people who make over $15,000 a year.
…People whose lives ended after high school and people whose lives began after it.
…People who drink whiskey and people who are pussies.
…People who work desk jobs and people who enjoy their work.
…People who like kids and people who value hygiene.
After yesterday’s post, Everything is Better Drunk, I got to thinking about all the things that are vastly improved by a few drinks… and the few things that are not. Here’s what I’ve come up with:
Worse: Break dancing
Better: Conversations with strangers
Worse: Conversations with the police
Better: Watching sports
Worse: Playing sports with any level of coordination
Better: Playing sports for fun. Fuck coordination
Better: Wedding receptions
Worse: Wedding vows Continue reading
This list from ArtLung.com amused me. Please don’t try these things on me, but definitely try them on other people. I italicized my favorites:
- Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
- In the memo field of all your checks, write “for sexual favors.”
- Specify that your drive-through order is “TO-GO.”
- If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
- Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
- Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions “to keep them tuned up.”
- Reply to everything someone says with “that’s what you think.”
- Practice making fax and modem noises.
- Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and “cc” them to your boss.
- Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
- Finish all your sentences with the words “in accordance with prophesy.” Continue reading
Who else really misses the days when Facebook was only open to college students? Those were the good old days: when you could post drunken pictures without even thinking about it… when your acceptance to grad school didn’t hinge on the shit your friend’s posted on your wall… when your parents had no idea what was up.
Now people tend to go one of two routes 1) they’re Facebook friends with everyone they’ve ever met or 2) they’re not on Facebook at all.
I’ve found a middle ground between these two – I routinely go through my friends list and clean out people I don’t care about/have stopped caring about/have completely forgotten. Sometimes I worry about people noticing, but then I remember that the people I’m clearing out are people that I don’t give a flying fuck about.
Then I feel better. Continue reading
I’m working on a book about recovering from a breakup. As part of that project, I’m building a list of all the reasons why romantic relationships end. Here’s what I have so far, in no particular order:
- lack of love
- lack of like
- loss of love
- emotional abuse
- physical abuse
- abuse of someone outside the relationship
- too few shared interests
- too few shared responsibilities
- too little communication
- too similar personalities
- getting an STD
- different goals
- different lifestyles
- different cultural backgrounds
- different standards of personal hygiene
- different standards of living
- different sexual orientations Continue reading
Steve Jobs passed away yesterday after a long battle with cancer. He was only 56 years old.
Whether you’re a Mac or a PC, whether you think Apple is overpriced or the best thing that has ever happened to personal computing, you can’t deny that Steve Jobs and the people he worked with have changed the world in a multitude of ways.
Here’s Fortune’s list of ten ways that Steve Jobs changed the world.