I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
After yesterday’s post, Everything is Better Drunk, I got to thinking about all the things that are vastly improved by a few drinks… and the few things that are not. Here’s what I’ve come up with:
Worse: Break dancing
Better: Conversations with strangers
Worse: Conversations with the police
Better: Watching sports
Worse: Playing sports with any level of coordination
Better: Playing sports for fun. Fuck coordination
Better: Wedding receptions
Worse: Wedding vows Continue reading
This chick knows what I’m talking about. She may be my new hero. You know, after Jesus.
I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.
I know there are a lot of good reasons to live with your parents after you’ve started referring to yourself as an adult. I’m living a few of those reasons right now. And don’t get me wrong – I am eternally grateful to my parents for taking me in, feeding me and not charging me a dime in rent.
But there are several reasons why it is just no good to live with your parents for an extended period of time after entering adulthood. Here are five of the biggies in no particular order:
1. Late Nights
No matter how old you are or how long you’ve lived on your own in the past, parents will always worry if you stay out late. So the options of the adult living at home are a) don’t go out, b) be a punk and don’t call, or c) suffer the embarrassment of calling your parents to check in while out with friends or a date. This may not be the most embarrassing thing ever, but it certainly can cramp one’s style.
Trying to have it with someone. Trying to have it with yourself. Hearing your parents having it. All bad things. Continue reading
Going to college after high school is not the only or even necessarily the best option.
The best couples are almost always physical matches – a 10 and a 5 just won’t work.
Very few people actually like kids in general. Most of us just like the ones we’re related to, and even then, not always.
No one can make you doubt yourself but you.
Being consistently late is like saying, “My time is more important than yours.” It’s rude, disrespectful, and selfish.
Taking a nice big poo is one of the best simple pleasures in life. Try to deny it. Just try. Continue reading