Why We Break Up

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I’m working on a book about recovering from a breakup. As part of that project, I’m building a list of all the reasons why romantic relationships end. Here’s what I have so far, in no particular order:

  1. betrayal
  2. infidelity
  3. lack of love
  4. lack of like
  5. loss of love
  6. obsession
  7. jealousy
  8. emotional abuse
  9. physical abuse
  10. abuse of someone outside the relationship
  11. immaturity
  12. too few shared interests
  13. too few shared responsibilities
  14. too little communication
  15. too similar personalities
  16. depression
  17. getting an STD
  18. instability
  19. different goals
  20. different lifestyles
  21. different cultural backgrounds
  22. different standards of personal hygiene
  23. different standards of living
  24. money
  25. different sexual orientations Continue reading

Mini Stories from the First Half of April 2011

Therapy: To prevent himself from falling in love w/ her, he tried to imagine her as his mom. His ploy had the reverse affect. He’s in therapy now.
 
Destiny: He had an appointment with Destiny, but his HMO didn’t cover it, so he was referred to Coincidence. Turned out he had a case of Bad Luck.
 
Surprise: Finally invent something awesome: check. Cash in: check. Surprise the hell out of dad with my success: check. Attend dad’s funeral: check.
 
Sail: She kissed him, watched him set sail, and wondered how far he’d get before realizing he can’t sail and had forgotten to fill the gas tank… Continue reading

Recent Study Gives New Meaning to Heartache

As if breaking up isn’t crappy enough, it looks like the feelings of rejection and loss associated with a break up can cause you actual physical pain. Further proof that Shakespeare really knew what he was talking about when he invented the word “heartache.”

In this study, “Psychologists studied 40 recently-dumped volunteers who reported intense feelings of rejection when thinking about the breakup. All underwent four MRI brain scans, including one while looking at a photo of their ex and thinking about the split, and one while viewing a friend’s photo and thinking good thoughts about that person. Another scan took place as the volunteers wore an arm device that produced a gentle, comforting warmth, and yet another when the device was hot enough to cause pain.

“During each of the two negative situations—when the volunteers thought about the breakup and when they experienced a burning sensation—the same brain regions associated with physical pain lit up, suggesting physical pain and the pain of rejection hurt in a similar way.”

The author of the study, Edward Smith noted, “There may be something special about rejection… No other negative emotion, not anger and not fear, elicits reactions in the pain matrix of the brain.”

Image: Courtesy Flickr/oedipusphinx– — – — theJWDban

Can Men and Women Really Be Friends?

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My boyfriend and I broke up three weeks ago now. We were living together, so we were still essentially together for a week after breaking up while I got my stuff together and headed back to California.

Now we’re friends. But friends who occasionally breakdown and tell each other how much we miss one another.

Our break up was very grown up – we both knew it to be the right decision despite our love for each other for personal reasons. There were no hurt feelings, no real anger or tension. It just… had to be.

Knowing that, we’re hoping that we can make a friendship work, because in addition to loving each other we were very much each other’s best friends. Losing that on top of the romantic relationship would truly suck.

But now I’m left asking – is it possible? Can exes be friends? Even beyond the history, can heterosexual men and women be true friends? Continue reading

Home, Truly

I don’t have a home. A true home, I mean. I have lots of homes, but none that I can call my own.

I started my life in Bellingham, Washington, but we moved to California when I was four, so I don’t know that city at all. Then my home was Cypress, CA until the end of high school. That city served me well, but now that it’s in my past, I have no real need to go back. There’s really nothing too spectacular about inland Orange County. Continue reading