Category Archives: Useless Lists

10 Ways to Entertain Yourself at Jury Duty

by Useless Lists • Tags: , , ,

I am currently sitting in the Santa Monica Courthouse Juror Waiting Room.

It sucks.

Sure, they have free wifi, but all of the best websites are blocked. No YouTube, no Facebook, no Twitter, no Stumbleupon. If it’s fun, it’s probably blocked.

But not to worry. If you ever find yourself in this situation, here’s a handy list of things you can do to entertain yourself.

  1. Make up a back story for the strangest looking jurors in your pool. Juror waiting rooms are by definition filled with extreme eclectic groups of people. Do some people watching and figure out who’s a teacher, who’s a bank robber, who still lives with their mom, and who’s most likely to claim insanity as a reason they can’t serve on a jury.
  2. Try to find a porn site that hasn’t been blocked by the courthouse firewalls. Consider it a challenge and put your years of non-SafeSearch Googling to work. Continue reading →

9 Places to Meet Men

by Useless Lists • Tags: , , , , , , ,

As a single lady in my twenties, I sometimes wonder where I’m supposed to meet eligible men. The general consensus seems to be that people meet their mates in school or at work.

Well, I’m done with school and I’m self-employed. I’m not to the point of taking on a lifetime of student loan debt in order to increase my dating pool, and there aren’t too many viable male prospects wandering through my home.

So I’ve looked into a few other options…

1. Bars. Great place to sacrifice all personal space and dignity. A full 22% of successful relationships begin in bars. Or maybe that was 2%…

2. Clubs. Nothing like having a stranger come up behind you on the dance floor and make you wonder if you’re being held up. Top-notch choice if you’re into douches.

3. The Internet. I’m a fan of OkCupid. The guy who messaged me saying he was a married man in his fifties looking to hook up — he seemed like a real winner. Continue reading →

Things I’m Mad At

by Useless Lists • Tags: , , , , , , ,

My uterus. I’m sorry I haven’t filled you with a baby yet, but that’s no excuse to cripple me once a month. Calm down, bitch.

People who write checks at the grocery store. Are you serious right now? This is the express lane. Please go expressly to hell.

People who say “alls.” It’s not a word. Ever. “Alls I’m saying is…” No. You’re not saying anything. You’ve lost the right to speech. Continue reading →

Artist Studio: James Cospito / Dumbo Arts Center: Art Under the

There are Basically Two Kinds of People…

by Useless Lists • Tags: , , , , , ,

…People who have made a career out of their creativity and people who make over $15,000 a year.

…People whose lives ended after high school and people whose lives began after it.

…People who drink whiskey and people who are pussies.

…People who work desk jobs and people who enjoy their work.

…People who like kids and people who value hygiene.

Continue reading →

alcohol

(Almost) Everything is Better Drunk

by Useless Lists • Tags: , , , , , , , ,

After yesterday’s post, Everything is Better Drunk, I got to thinking about all the things that are vastly improved by a few drinks… and the few things that are not. Here’s what I’ve come up with:

Better: Dancing

Worse: Break dancing

Better: Conversations with strangers

Worse: Conversations with the police

Better: Watching sports

Worse: Playing sports with any level of coordination

Better: Playing sports for fun. Fuck coordination

Better: Wedding receptions

Worse: Wedding vows Continue reading →

Hair Product, Condoms, and Marijuana

by Useless Lists • Tags: , , , , , ,

I was at my hair salon the other day transforming into a blonde (the jury is still out, but so far it seems blondes really do have more fun). As I was having my head plastered with bleach, my hairdresser was telling me about all the different product she thought I should use in my hair.

This product for conditioning. That product for styling. This product for blowing my hair dry. Product. Product. Product.

As I was sitting there trying to avoid spending an extra hundred bucks on product, I realized it wasn’t so long ago that “hair product” came into existence. I’m going to estimate that the term came to prevalence sometime in the last ten years.

And what did we have before that? Hair spray. Hair gel. Hair goop.

Goop doesn’t sound very sexy. Product sounds like an orgasm on wheels. And it’s never plural – it’s always its own entity. Hair product. Continue reading →

Amazing Ways to Piss People Off

by Stuff that Made Me Laugh, Useless Lists • Tags: , , , , ,

This list from ArtLung.com amused me. Please don’t try these things on me, but definitely try them on other people. I italicized my favorites:

  1. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
  2. In the memo field of all your checks, write “for sexual favors.”
  3. Specify that your drive-through order is “TO-GO.”
  4. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
  5. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
  6. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions “to keep them tuned up.”
  7. Reply to everything someone says with “that’s what you think.”
  8. Practice making fax and modem noises.
  9. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and “cc” them to your boss.
  10. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
  11. Finish all your sentences with the words “in accordance with prophesy.” Continue reading →

9 People You Need to Unfriend Right Now

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by Useless Lists • Tags: , , , ,

Who else really misses the days when Facebook was only open to college students? Those were the good old days: when you could post drunken pictures without even thinking about it… when your acceptance to grad school didn’t hinge on the shit your friend’s posted on your wall… when your parents had no idea what was up.

Ah, memories.

Now people tend to go one of two routes 1) they’re Facebook friends with everyone they’ve ever met or 2) they’re not on Facebook at all.

I’ve found a middle ground between these two – I routinely go through my friends list and clean out people I don’t care about/have stopped caring about/have completely forgotten. Sometimes I worry about people noticing, but then I remember that the people I’m clearing out are people that I don’t give a flying fuck about.

Then I feel better. Continue reading →

Why We Break Up

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by Useless Lists • Tags: , , , , , , ,

I’m working on a book about recovering from a breakup. As part of that project, I’m building a list of all the reasons why romantic relationships end. Here’s what I have so far, in no particular order:

  1. betrayal
  2. infidelity
  3. lack of love
  4. lack of like
  5. loss of love
  6. obsession
  7. jealousy
  8. emotional abuse
  9. physical abuse
  10. abuse of someone outside the relationship
  11. immaturity
  12. too few shared interests
  13. too few shared responsibilities
  14. too little communication
  15. too similar personalities
  16. depression
  17. getting an STD
  18. instability
  19. different goals
  20. different lifestyles
  21. different cultural backgrounds
  22. different standards of personal hygiene
  23. different standards of living
  24. money
  25. different sexual orientations Continue reading →

Why Dating Sucks / Why Dating is Awesome

by Useless Lists • Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , ,

It appears I am at a point in my life when I must once again enter the dating world. I had really hoped I would never have to date again. Not that I’ve ever really “dated” before. I guess I was hoping to skip the whole experience altogether.

Here’s what I am and am not looking forward to…

Awesome: Flirting

Sucky: Rejection

Awesome: The excitement of possibility

Sucky: Feeling like you’ll never meet anyone who’s a match for you

Awesome: First kisses

Sucky: The awkward goodbye hug / handshake / whatever at the end of a date gone wrong Continue reading →